And Now You Know

You should know that somewhere between
Then and now, here and there,
You lost my heart.
You lost me waiting, you lost me wondering
What was going on in that head of yours.
Somewhere between the first time and the last time
You shut me out without giving me a reason
I threw up my hands and walked away
While you had your back turned.
All those little things that worked in the past
To bring me crawling back aren't going to work.
It's over and I'm done, though I doubt you
Will even care, because you'll have someone else.
I'll still feel better for it.
It's about time I got on with my life,
Whether it really crumbles around me like I have
Imagined it would without you or not.
At least this way I can say it fell apart with me
In control instead of struggling along holding on
To you.
I'm cutting off those anchor lines, even if it means
I'md destined to fail.

Roland (David)

I know it is just a waste of time
To wonder what could have been if our
Paths had crossed some other way.
In a way where you weren't the best friend
And I wasn't the unofficially claimed girl.
Doesn't stop the thought from crossing my mind though.
Would the never ending drama be lessened?
Could I still turn to you during late night
Doubts about the state of life?
How different would things be if we
Didn't have to see each other as off limits?
I'd love the chance to get to know you better,
To get past that hard ass sarcastic exterior
And see what it is that sets you off.
You're a fascinating subject to me
And I long for the chance to learn anything
You'd be willing to give up to me.
You are the tall dark figure walking with
A slight swagger through the landscape of my life,
Romantacized, but lacking full dimension.

Another Night

I drive for miles even after the glow
Of the service engine soon light shows.
Ever wonder what it would be like
If the world was flat and you could
Drive straight off the edge?
Probably would never actually do it,
But there would be something full of life
About the knowledge that you could.
It's an interesting thing that there are
So many roads to take you to the same places.
There is comfort in the knowledge that
You don't have to take the same way out
As you went in.
It's the idea that you can make it out
Even if you have burned every bridge
As you passed.
A dead end is just a temporary set back.
And the people that you meet...
Sometimes it's just a matter of passing each other by
But occassionally you crash into each other
Or have to ask directions, but there they are,
A person in your life.

My Daddy

You taught me the importance of knowing
When to lay it all on the line,
You taught me to fight even when
It's a losing fight, because it's a matter
Of right and wrong.
You taught me there's a million ways to say I love you
And many of them go unnoticed.
They mean it just just the same though.
You taught me how to be stubborn,
And how to tune people out, cut them off,
How to lie.
But you also taught me strength, courage,
And to be myself.
You have hard lessons sometimes,
With the help of your old friend Jack,
A bloody lip, unsteady step.
I never thought I'd learn a thing from you,
But I've been learning all along.
Just wish I had paid more attention to the good.

Untitled

I'm just trying to say I love you
In whatever way I can manage.
You think you know already but you
Don't really understand.
You're the only person I want to
Turn to on nights like tonight,
But you don't really want anything to do
With me.
I'm probably a waste of your time,
But you haven't found anything else to
Fill the time so you still keep me around
And I'm thankful for the time you manage
To spare on me.
You don't really mean the things
You say, but it makes me feel better
So I don't really care.

Breaking the Glass

We have a relationship under glass,
That kind of in case of emergency deal.
It seems we only come around when
One of us is in need of something. There's never any
Just because moments anymore.
I think sometimes, a lot of the time,
That the constant hazard status of us
Cannot be good for either one of us.
And I don't want to be a negative in
Your life, but I can't imagine life
Without you around.
Those warning sirens always going off
In m head leave me feeling down
And you always sem to pick up on it.
I just want you happy.

Comfort

There's always that certain spot
Beside where you lay that I seem to fit
Into so perfectly. And you tell me there is
Something comfortable about having me there.
That makes me smile for a time, but then I think
Is that what I want to be? Just your
Security blanket that you toss to the side
At the first glimpse of something more interesting?
So far you've always returned to what you know;
To what feels right. Yet I still worry I'll
Be forgotten like a child's long-lost, once cherished
Teddy bear, worn down and in disrepair.
I just want you to see me as more than just
Something nice to have around when you
Find it convenient for you.
I want you to be able to see what you mean
To me, what you do to me when you walk away,
And for you to be able to appreciate those things.
I don't expect you to ever feel the same way
In return, just looking for a little understanding,
Maybe a little comfort of my own.

Parenthetical G

Cold, complacent me, you see

My heart, it pains me, it searches

At thoughts of you it settles, whether

Pleased or lulled into a false sense of security

That you rolled over me with every twist and turn of our

Sweat drenched relationship

The passionate frustration of our lives together

Neither of us could handle how delicate is was

So we both pushed back and forth against each other

Never at the same time, never far enough to touch

And yet we managed to break each other

Completely, but oh wasn’t it so beautiful?

Or at least that’s what I use to think.

I’m not so sure anymore.

You don’t control my thinking

I have a secret

You don’t control anything

My music isn’t yours anymore, my clique isn’t yours

I’m not yours.

I think this is really old

I'll fall in love with you

As soon as you find where my comfort lies;

You figure out what side of the bed

I sleep best on; You can sing my favorite

Song, knowing all the words; You learn that I absolutely hate calling people;

You can push back my insanity and let me go for it.



I know your taste already

Can remember how you smell after a week

Without you. I can imagine just how you

Would look at me if I finally told you

The midnight secrets I hide from your burning light

You might turn me to ashes if you get too close

But I'm already burning from a fever I can't break



It isn't what you say or do,

But the person that you are

That has me writing your name in the margin of this paper.

It's the way you compliment that need

That makes me what you want.

You're getting close, don't freeze inside the

Painful cold that will inclose you here inside of me.

Don't dare burn out inside my needs.

First Pain

It was Valentines Day when you learned
Of the feast my pained soul would provide
One such as yourself who feeds off
Darkness, torment, tears, and horror.
I may have let you in
But I never gave myself to you
Instead you came with your lies and your force
And pushed in farther than I wanted;
You never belonged there, and you took pleasure in that fact.
When you left, I cried and hid the signs
Of how you had stolen part of me
As if that would make it unreal
As if it would clean you from my life.
But you kept coming back, and by then
I was no one. I had no rights to happiness;
I had no right to tell you no.
You had made your claims,
I was not my own.

He's the Reason why I can't stand to be touched.

Alcohol and late night calls
and you'd never understand.
She ran away from who she was
and they saved her old skin for when she returned.
It still fits like the day she left.
She doesn't want the life they show her
but she doesn't know anything else.
So she does the stupid little dance
That they taught her so well
And the world falls down on her
and she falls down from the weight of it all.
She's all alone, but in the center of it all
and they tell her ain't it lovely
Even she can see the lie,
but she still smiles and nods
And moves to the next step
Because the beat goes on and she's
Scared of what might happen if she falls behind
Or gets ahead of everyone else
Because she needs to be shown what to do.
Needs to be shown who she is.
She's not her own.
She's not her own.

Overlydramatic. The poem, not the title.

I'm missing your hand around my heart
But you've got someone else's blood on your hands now.
Tried to give you the space you needed.
Guess my hands were still around your throat
Because it seems you couldn't breathe when I was around.
I just hope she'll be there for you when
You think the world's forgotten about you.
You always wanted me to not be there though,
and my heart couldn't handle that.
Now I've dropped away from everything.
Just hoping that you at least can be happy
Because I lost hope for myself long ago.
You were the last chance for sanity in my life
And I've lost it all and you'll never know.
You'll never know my thoughts while I watched you fall asleep.
You'll never know this pain inside or the way
You made my day. I'll never know just what it is
That makes you happy, but whatever it is it I don't have.
If I did, you'd be happy until the day you died
Because I would have given it all to you
Even if you did have that stupid, stupid smile.
I'd take back all the time we spent together if I could;
It made you so unbelievably miserable after all
How could you waste so much time on me when you
Could have wasted it with anyone?

For Brandon. With Love.

You can see for miles here on a clear night
And I come with hopes of seeing you.
I'm beginning to realize it has been so much more
Than miles between us; a gulf of universes
Keeps me from reaching out to you.
There was a time when we were closer than I imagined
Any two people could be.
You were my heart and I held yours like
A precious jewel that I feared I was unworthy to possess.
You were the words of comfort and wisdom,
The laughter, the peace, and the love of my life.
Every day I worried I was geting more than
This girl could ever deserve and then...
It was gone.
No more seven a.m. wake up calls,
Weekends sleeping in, time with my second family,
No more washing your dishes.
I wasn't meant to be your dishwasher.
I wasn't meant to be anyone's.
My star has fallen, but it lit my night sky
So perfectly for awhile.
Now it is just the moon and me
And the clouds that pass through.
The cold beauty is harder to appreciate
When my heart has your memories to dwell on.

Putting it all on Red

I know I've let you down so many times
And you're sick and tired of dealing out second chances
Like cards at a Vegas table.
But baby I'm asking just one more time...
One more time.
All I need is for you to show me that it matters
Because sometimes I'm not so sure
You're there.
I'm not so sure you remember me.
{Hello... it's me. You're my everything.}
So I keep hanging on just to hold on,
and you keep walking right back out that door.
I'm afraid one of these days it's going to lock behind you
So you'll never find your way back in again.
This isn't some crowded city cafe;
This is my heart, and the occupancy allowance is low.
So come on in. Settle down.
But only if you intend on sticking around.
I'm not just a good time friend anymore.
Those are a dime a dozen, and I'm hoping to be worth more.
I wasn't made for this, but baby you were made for me.
So come back around my way.
{Been waiting for you. Got something to give you.
Just don't wreck it.}
With too many words, and not enough hope,
This is my call for you. This is my pleading.
This is me baring it all for another.
{Nothing more, nothing less, but won't you please just take it?}
Because I don't know what I'd do without you.

On the Offstage.

"This isn't what I came here for,"
But I know better
(You know I know)
It's so much easier when you lie.
We lie together in bed.
(A bed of wasted hours)
You claim I drive you crazy,
Sweetheart, I'm already mad.
(Because I'm sick and tired of your games)
Catch a glimpse, stare like I'm
Beautiful, but I know it's together
That we're beautiful.
(A beautiful diaster, like the sky
After a torential downpour)
All this pretending's not getting us anywhere;
I'm still without you
And you still don't really care.
Yet we keep putting on this show
For an audience of No One Who Cares.
We get horrible reviews, but we tell ourselves
"One of these days we'll get it right."
(We won't.)

A Dark Stare Down

Think of me what you will
It doesn't make any difference
But I'll let you know you'll
Never have any comprehension of this
Passion that I'm holding down
For you. So turn around and
Walk away, leave me prostrate in your
Bloody tracks.
Don't you dare turn around
You'll never handle what you
So casually left behind.
You know you'll miss what you
Never had though. Something fierce
And violent that you could only
See from the corner of your eye.
But don't you dare look back.

Results of a Lovely hour at 3 am.

McNickerson claimed this must be what it's like to be inside my head.
... It's probably fairly close.

I'm thinking the sun will be up soon.
I've been up for hours but it doesn't matter
I wish I knew just what I wanted
Just hoping that when it finally boils down
That it isn't anything to do with you.
I wish the sun would rise
I wish I didn't feel so happy when you
Remember me.
It's not very cold out, I'm happy about that.
But seeing snow soon would be nice.
I think so much better late at night with
Nothing but me and the road. And maybe some
Music. And I wonder about the lives of the
People in the cars I meet. Are they happy to
Be going where they're going? Or do they
Wish the ride there was so much longer?
Or are they just like me and don't know where
They are going, wishing they could just figure
Things out? In the long run, I guess those things
Don't matter. But I still like to wonder. And then
I hear sirens in the distance and can't help but
Wonder whether someone, or someones' life is about
to undergo a drastic change. Because to me, sirens are
Carriers of death and pain, of love lost, of families
Broken. Who knows? Maybe someone just ran a red
Light. I'm tired of my light always changing red
To green. There's no "hey, slow down, some thing's
About to change." It's always full speed ahead
Until it comes to a screeching halt. The idea
Of dying grace is comforting, but I'm not so sure.
All the images of death I've seen have never
Contained an ounce of clarity or lack of suffering.
But it's nice to think that maybe all that time
Spent in fear about what it's going to be
Like when it comes was in vain. To hope that your
Loved ones that have gone on before you didn't
Feel the pain that you've attributed
To their deaths. I find it so hard to imagine loving
Someone who isn't family again. I wonder about
My opportunity for second chances. maybe I've
Experienced all that's meant for me in that
Area. And I know that if it's meant to be that
Way, I'll manage. Yet I still wonder.
Sometimes i wish you'd tell me that you
See yourself loving me again. I'd probably
Believe you this time. So it's best you don't.
I wonder what I mean to you. I wonder that
A lot. Probably too much. I don't think about
What you mean to me because I'm scared of that.
It's about time I faced that fear though. So
What do you mean to me? I think I'd lay down
My life for you. I'd take some serious risks for
Things to work out with you. I'd bare my all
To you. If I knew that you'd take it. It makes
Me so frustrated that it never seems you want
To give anything to me. I wish it made me mad
Because then I might actually walk away for
Good this time. I'm tired of crawling back to you,
No matter whose fault it was. I'm tired of you
Acting like it never happened, no matter whose
Fault it was. I wish I didn't have to fight for
Your time and attention. I wish I could tell
You what's on my mind, but I know you
Won't listen. And even if I did say it all,
Every last word of us, you'd turn away from
It, from me, or act like it was never said. I don't
Know how you manage to put everything that
Ever passes between us, behind you. sometimes
I think I want that skill, because I think
Too much about what has happened. But I
Wouldn't want to box up the past and put
It away. Because along with the pain and
Frustration, those memories bring me happiness.
I want more happiness in life. I don't know
How to get it though. I don't want to fear
People so much, don't want to feel inferior,
But I don't know how to change that.

'nother Round

I'm here to watch the sun rise with you,
I'm here to watch it set.
Another trip around the sun, and I promise
You won't be alone.
What would it take to save face
And have you give it another try?
Because I'm here to prove to you that
I ain't going anywhere that isn't accessible to you.
You prove to me that I'm not strong
Enough to walk away from you
And everything you are to me.
Because I can't live with nothing
Knowing you're my everything.
Yet I always manage to mess things up
When all I want is to make you happy.
But sometimes when you want to talk,
All you get is silence. I can't bring myself
To say the things you want to hear
That I know will end it all.
So just watch the sun come up,
Let's make it through today.

It Would Be My Pleasure

I'm just writing this to let you know
(Though you never will read these words)
That it's time for me to stand up for...
Me.
I've stood up for you to everyone,
People I care about, people who were always right.
Because I wanted you.
I wanted you to be happy.
(Maybe even happy with me.)
I came running like some pathetic, attention starved
Puppy dog whenever you called me.
I was tied down by how my actions would
Affect your life. Everything was always about you.
Yet
You never seemed to care about ditching me
With the tears you brought around
When things just got to be serious.
Like you couldn't handle something as simple
As me.
You complicated me for far too long now.
I just want to breathe.
I want to meet someone new.
I want to... live without thinking of you.
I want to make plans for my day without setting aside time...
Just in case.
Just in case I get that phone call saying
I'll be lucky enough to see you tonight.
I've come to realize
You're really no prize.
I've come to realize
That even I deserve to be treated better than this.
That it's better to spend my time alone
Then to spend it trying to please you.

You Have Nothing For This

Ready for it?
Take a step back, take a look,
But don't speak, don't touch,
Don't dare attempt to make a move.
Just so you know
What you see is not
!The New Improved Me!
It is the same old me I've always been...
Without being stifled by you.
This is me making decisions for my own life,
This is me being happy with myself.
This is me driving away with not a glance,
But a Su-fi in the rear-view mirror, just for you.
Saying things without fear of what you'll think,
Doing things without you.
And doesn't if feel good to be happy?
I wish you luck,
But you've got nothing I need these days
And you've taken all I can afford to give.

Going Backwards, Actually.

So I'm going back through old writings. and adding them here so I can look at them together. and these will be from my whiny dealing with Jerkface. Often I find myself reading them right after I wrote them and thinking "yeah, in your face, you suck." but then a week or so later I look at it again and think, "man, I'm lame." so yeah.

I've decided that it's time
To let this ice chip on my shoulder melt.
It's time to allow myself to be vulnerable
Around someone.
It's time to let someone make me happy
Without worrying about the results.
I'm ready to let someone in, to let someone
Meet the real me.
To fall in love with me.
It's time to stop fighting the losing battle
It's time to put away my impenetrable armor
And give it another shot.
It's time to say goodbye to those good time friends
Who never really care what's going on
Or where you've been.
I'm ready to take a chance, risk a glance,
Let someone notice that I notice.
I want to be noticed. I want my heart stolen.
I don't want to worry about it getting broken
Again. If it happens, it happens.
I've survived this before.
I want to hold hands, have pointless late night
Conversations. I want to think about someone
All the time and smile because they're probably
Thinking of me too.
I want to taste someone else's pain, and revel in their
Happiness. I want to see their days and be there for them
When their night time comes.
I want to write poems about falling in love instead
of falling apart.
I want to finally feel like I have a right to these things
Instead of wondering whether or not
I'm even deserving of someone's attention.
I want someone to think I'm beautiful
Even in my ratty jeans with my hair a mess.
I want to impress him without even trying,
Yet to feel like he's worth the extra effort.
I want someone who I can finally tell
This is why I am this way, so please be patient
And I want so badly for him to understand.

(note: I finally found a word that actually exists for that armor line. i'm a dork.)

The Beginning.

So here we are.
I've given you everything I have to give,
Both by choice and what you took.
I'm left with nothing to show,
And nothing left to offer anyone else.
You got it all, and now you're gone.
Me, I'm just a hollow shell left to go on
Waiting for someone to stumble upon me
One day and decide it might be worth the effort
To give me a little something to fill the emptiness.
I wish so badly to hate you for it all
But I still love you.
Yet this time I've decided to pick myself up,
And dust you off of me.
I'm not taking the blame for everything this time,
I refuse to feel guilty for making you unhappy
When it's you that won't let yourself be happy.
I won't be around next time you get bored
With everyone else.
I'm working on finding my own place in life
And I have finally come to realize
My place is not beside you. Or really behind you.
It's nowhere near you.