Results of a Lovely hour at 3 am.

McNickerson claimed this must be what it's like to be inside my head.
... It's probably fairly close.

I'm thinking the sun will be up soon.
I've been up for hours but it doesn't matter
I wish I knew just what I wanted
Just hoping that when it finally boils down
That it isn't anything to do with you.
I wish the sun would rise
I wish I didn't feel so happy when you
Remember me.
It's not very cold out, I'm happy about that.
But seeing snow soon would be nice.
I think so much better late at night with
Nothing but me and the road. And maybe some
Music. And I wonder about the lives of the
People in the cars I meet. Are they happy to
Be going where they're going? Or do they
Wish the ride there was so much longer?
Or are they just like me and don't know where
They are going, wishing they could just figure
Things out? In the long run, I guess those things
Don't matter. But I still like to wonder. And then
I hear sirens in the distance and can't help but
Wonder whether someone, or someones' life is about
to undergo a drastic change. Because to me, sirens are
Carriers of death and pain, of love lost, of families
Broken. Who knows? Maybe someone just ran a red
Light. I'm tired of my light always changing red
To green. There's no "hey, slow down, some thing's
About to change." It's always full speed ahead
Until it comes to a screeching halt. The idea
Of dying grace is comforting, but I'm not so sure.
All the images of death I've seen have never
Contained an ounce of clarity or lack of suffering.
But it's nice to think that maybe all that time
Spent in fear about what it's going to be
Like when it comes was in vain. To hope that your
Loved ones that have gone on before you didn't
Feel the pain that you've attributed
To their deaths. I find it so hard to imagine loving
Someone who isn't family again. I wonder about
My opportunity for second chances. maybe I've
Experienced all that's meant for me in that
Area. And I know that if it's meant to be that
Way, I'll manage. Yet I still wonder.
Sometimes i wish you'd tell me that you
See yourself loving me again. I'd probably
Believe you this time. So it's best you don't.
I wonder what I mean to you. I wonder that
A lot. Probably too much. I don't think about
What you mean to me because I'm scared of that.
It's about time I faced that fear though. So
What do you mean to me? I think I'd lay down
My life for you. I'd take some serious risks for
Things to work out with you. I'd bare my all
To you. If I knew that you'd take it. It makes
Me so frustrated that it never seems you want
To give anything to me. I wish it made me mad
Because then I might actually walk away for
Good this time. I'm tired of crawling back to you,
No matter whose fault it was. I'm tired of you
Acting like it never happened, no matter whose
Fault it was. I wish I didn't have to fight for
Your time and attention. I wish I could tell
You what's on my mind, but I know you
Won't listen. And even if I did say it all,
Every last word of us, you'd turn away from
It, from me, or act like it was never said. I don't
Know how you manage to put everything that
Ever passes between us, behind you. sometimes
I think I want that skill, because I think
Too much about what has happened. But I
Wouldn't want to box up the past and put
It away. Because along with the pain and
Frustration, those memories bring me happiness.
I want more happiness in life. I don't know
How to get it though. I don't want to fear
People so much, don't want to feel inferior,
But I don't know how to change that.